In this video, Mikhail Varshavski, DO — who goes by “Dr. Mike” on social media — reviews medical-themed memes.
Following is a transcript of the video (note that errors are possible):
Varshavski: “If a UTI [urinary tract infection] was an outfit.” I would say it’s more like heartburn, but it could be a UTI because it burns when you pee, dysuria, one of the common symptoms of a UTI.
“The bad news is the operation was unsuccessful. The good news is I’m working on not defining myself by my failure.” Well, at least your doctor left room for growth.
“Where does almond milk come from? Nobody: My brain:” Honestly, I don’t really know where almond milk. I guess you could just squeeze the (bleep) out of the nut.
Varshavski: “Puns about the body are generally corny, but puns about the eyes are even cornea.” Yeah. My dad barometer joke is a spinning.
“Someone: Cats heal people. 30 year old me: Got a cat. Cat: Bro, there is no way I can fix it.” No way brother. Is that a toothpick?
Sam: It is a cigarette.
Varshavski: Oh, such a good image.
“I’m worthless. Actually…” He is like, “I can sell some stuff.”
“One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your 30s is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is the neck’s main job.” Oh, this is so true. And then I decided as a genius doctor to say, “Well, how about I let people hit me, rotating my neck abruptly?” That’s somehow going to help.
The idea of hurting your neck while turning it is because we are not moving enough. We need to stay mobile. We need to increase our range of motion. When you do that, you actually get more circulation, more healing, more range of motion, and less injury.
“Couple who tried to conceive for 17 years welcome sextuplets. When you hit print hella times and all the copies come out at once.” #Facts. My suspicion, being that I’m in medicine, is that they probably had IVF [in vitro fertilization]. When you have IVF, you have higher rates of twins, triplets, and I’m assuming sextuplets as well.
“Are you a myelin sheath? Because you’re getting on my nerves.” No. Because if you are a myelin sheath, you’d love to cuddle. Myelin sheaths literally cuddle your nerves, and they speed it up. Honestly. I think if I was a part of the body, I’d be a myelin sheath because I feel like I’m very fast and I also like to cuddle. Ask Bear.
“How to burn thousands of calories in just a few minutes.” You literally burned it.
Sam: You burned a lot of calories recently?
Varshavski: Yeah. Boxing today think I burned 1,400. Yeah!
“And who texted you this?” It should be who snapchatted you this.
“Me: Extremely burnt out. I need to take the day off to relax. Also me: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive.” We have split into two extremes of hyper-productive individuals, and those who are cool to just to sit and melt into their chairs. I wish we can somehow come more towards the middle.
“I can’t find any reason for your discomfort. It must be the alcohol.” “Then I’ll come back when you’re sober.” I will say doctors do tend to do that. Like if they can’t find something wrong, they just like pick a random thing to blame it on. I prefer being honest and being like, “No idea! We’ll keep looking or we can try certain things and eliminate certain things.” But also you shouldn’t be drunk as a doctor.
“Me when I break my leg.” I know where this is from, “Inglourious Basterds.” Such a good movie. Dominic Decoco. That’s not recommended. Because when you break a bone, you want to avoid putting excess pressure on that bone. So I don’t know what could be broken here that they would do it in the shape of a heel. Not a good idea.
“Pregnant, not pregnant, positive. Damn, hope you feel better. Quarantine. Are you stupid?” I guess they misread the test there. By the way, for those who don’t know, these quick acting tests, whether it’s for COVID or pregnancy, if there is even a faint line for the positive, that’s a positive test. If anything pops up, it’s positive.
“To avoid straining your eyes when you’re continuously working, follow the 20-20-20 rule.” I say that all the time. After 20 minutes of work, look at something 20 feet away, then spend 20 years in the forest. You might think this is a joke. The 20-20-20 rule is actually every 20 minutes look at a point, 20 feet away, for 20 seconds. That will help your eyes relax.
But this is not wrong. Spending time in the forest with objects that are far away from you helps your pupil relax and your eyes relax. Looking at things in the distance for 20 years in the forest is healthy for your eyes.
Varshavski: All right, let’s get back to some memes.
“Why you showing me? I was with you yesterday. And? I had a vasectomy last year. It ain’t mine.” Why can’t people figure it out? Aren’t you curious what it is? And how do you even know that’s positive? Unless they scan the QR code.
“Shaqras.” We need Shaq to come back and coach the Lakers. Let me know if you agree.
“New doctor: So tell me a little bit about what’s going on. Me: Massive engine failure.” You know someone wise once told me that a doctor should always look under the hood, but not go over your head. But in reality, a lot of things go wrong with the human body. We don’t have electrical systems that can be plugged into a device that’s to tell us what the errors are, but I guess you could make a claim that an EKG [electrocardiogram] is sort of like that. We stick on little leads and then all of a sudden we know kind of what’s going on with your heart.
“Me: I have a headache. WebMD: And it’ll be your last.” Everything WebMD will be your last. I’m surprised they even allow advertisers to advertise on it because it feels like all their users are about to die. How is that a profitable business model? Do they go to advertise and say, “Hey, people come to our website and we tell them all they are going to die. Might not, but they probably will. So don’t you want to advertise to them?”
Mike Varshavski, DO, is a board-certified family physician and social media influencer with more than 9 million subscribers.